Every couple is different, so their sources of conflict differ as well. Just because you fight about an issue doesn’t mean you cannot reach a resolution that works for everyone. It is important to find the root cause of that conflict and address it from the beginning, so that you can both work more effectively.Most couples fight about these five things: money, sex, household chores, work and their children. However, the more appropriate way to look at this might be, most couples’ conflicts are about control, fear and fairness manifest in arguments about one of these categories. If you are enmeshed in a high-conflict divorce, the questions you may need to address include:
- Does my spouse understand my values and priorities? And does he or she respect them?
- What is in the best interest of my children, and are my goals aligned with those interests?
- Are my concerns and fears being heard or dismissed? Are my spouse’s?
- Do I feel like an equal partner in my marriage? Do I treat my spouse as an equal partner, or do I see him or her as contributing less to our marriage?
Many high-conflict divorces are rooted in feelings of inequality: one spouse feels he or she contributes more, in terms of time, money, support, etc. This is why talking openly and honestly about these feelings from the very first meeting can be so effective. Both parties can have their fears and concerns heard by neutral divorce mediators as well as the other spouse. Since the goal is to facilitate an effective resolution as easily and peacefully as possible, airing out your grievances form the beginning can help us create a strategy moving forward that addresses your needs.
